Dreaming

When Taleah died, I didn't dream about her for months.  I remember another angel mom talking about her dreams of her child as almost visitations and a chance to have that child alive again for a brief time.  I wished and hoped and prayed to dream about Taleah and then after a long time I did.  The dream had something to do with a birthday and in it Taleah was alive and happy.  It was a beautiful dream ... and then I woke up.  Reality came crashing down and I spent the next hour bawling over the death of my child.  I never asked to dream about her again and I didn't for a very, very long time.

Because of that experience, this time around I have had no desire whatsoever to dream about Tabitha, but of course that means that I have dreamed about her over and over again.  The dreams are not happy, they are full of anxiety and loss.

I have dreamed that I parked Tabitha's wheelchair somewhere and I can't remember where.  I have dreamed that I am separated from her by a dangerous, busy street and I can't get to her.  I have dreamed that I took her for a simple check up only to find that she had life threatening cancer.

Last night was the worst. Yesterday I broke out in hives again, I'm sure as a stress response, and took a couple of Benadryl to relieve the itching.  I think the Benadryl did a number on my sleep, because even though I was tired and groggy, I woke up over and over again.  Each time I woke up I remembered a dream and each one of them was sad or frantic.  I woke up from the worst one at about 3:00 in the morning.  I dreamed that Tabitha was dead, but someone forgot to put her in the casket and so she was in a crypt on top of the casket, all layed out in her Alice dress.  I was afraid to pick her up and put her in her casket for fear of the state her body was in.  At one point I realized her eyes were open and she was looking at me, but because I knew it couldn't be true, I was doing my best to ignore it. There was a lot more detail to this dream, but the images are so impacting and so negative I don't want to put them in anyone else's mind.